Pregnancy 22wks+

22+1.  On the one hand I find it hard to imagine I’m already 22wks yet then I think her EDD is five months away and that feels like forever.

So 22wks. Less than two weeks until she’s legally viable, oh how I loathe that term!

Last appointment was my scan at 19+ and I don’t see anyone again until 28 weeks so this part of pregnancy is almost surreal.  Like you’re just having to wing it.

They say every pregnancy is different yet my pregnancies were all incredibly similar so how apt that it’s my final one that deviates from the norm.  The differences?

* This is the first pregnancy I’ve ever experienced Acid Reflux. Thankfully it’s only at night and it’s so far mild.

* Another obscure and new to be symptom is jaw ache.  Every few weeks I’ll have several days of jaw pain that worsens each time it strikes.    Currently it’s incredibly painful. Paracetamol isn’t touching it.  It’s even making it painful to eat which considering I  constantly over eat even when Ill is quite a feat!

* Saving the best for last is the movement.  I’ve always felt movement quite late on and never the super strong kind.   Especially not when I’ve had anterior placentas. Yet here I am with an antetior placenta again and I’m feeling this little girl everyday!  Mostly when I’m in bed or in the bath yet it’s strong definite  movements.

Some nights I’ll stay awake just so I don’t miss any of it.   I’m excited that if I feel her this strong now, how strong will I feel her in five weeks or fifteen? ! It’s such a beautiful sensation. It’s as if she’s saying ‘I’m here mum.  I’m right here’ it also lowers the psychological need to use the doppler too because I know she’s okay in there.

I can’t explain how precious this pregnancy is.  The one I never thought I’d have. The one my heart broke over not having.  Yet here she is. All those arguments for nothing because she surprised us.  So unplanned and yet so utterly and  completely wanted.

I want to cherish every minute of this, my final pregnancy, but you can’t fight the impatience to meet her.  To hold her. 

I’m keeping my fingers crossed that my bp behaves this pregnancy. That I may get that water birth I’ve always wanted! Not that it matters in the grand scheme. I just want her to be safe, happy and healthy.

I’m trying not to think about all the things I need for her let alone the things I want! Money isn’t exactly something we have!

Ditto I’m trying to ignore the headache and logistics of childcare for when she decides to arrive in around 18weeks time!

The problem with being online when pregnant is that you’re not allowed to be unhappy.  Because of the precious gift you are carrying.

There’s so many woman out there  desperate to have a baby. It doesn’t matter if it’s your first or tenth child nothing can eradicate that longing… That ache of not having it be it a physical issue or a life one.

So you’re not allowed to struggle with life because it’s like you’ve personally slapped them.  How dare you be struggling off meds…. at least you’re pregnant.  How dare you complain about anything, at least you’re pregnant.

But I can’t and won’t apologise for being pregnant.

I’ve suffered pregnancy loss too. Although not for physical reasons I’ve been in that place when all you want is a baby yet you can’t have one.  When it appears that everyone else is pregnant and you’re not. 

Yes this will be by fourth. Yes I’m lucky.  I’m blessed.  Doesn’t mean I’m not human though.  Doesn’t mean I haven’t been in a place of longing or grieving.

You don’t not mention a bad hair day because there’s people out there without any.  You don’t not mention a migraine because some people have brain tumors.

If I could make all these beautiful woman pregnant of course I would!  

But I can’t be sorry I’m pregnant.

And when it seems I’m whining about life in spite of being blessed with pregnancy.  Stop.  Think.  Maybe this pregnancy and my kids are the only reason I’m still in this life able to complain.  Maybe they’re the sole reason I carry on

 

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