I always feel churlish complaining about hubz, especially as on the whole, he’s a good egg.  He does most of the housework and he’s the one that takes the kids out on his own to the park etc, something I never do due to depression, M.E, anxiety, pain and a really bloody awful sense of direction.  So I shouldn’t complain.  Especially as i’m a million miles away from perfect.

However, whenever he has the morning shift with the kids (usually at weekends we split the day whilst the other goes to bed) all I can hear, whilst i’m upstairs in bed is him snoring.  He says he’s not ‘really’ asleep or ‘fully’ asleep but it’s not the fucking point.  He’s not fully aware or ‘present’ either.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m hardly Mary fucking Poppins, i’m usually just sat there on the laptop or doing crochet but i’m ‘with it’ i’m there.  Watching, listening, chatting, refereeing them.  Regardless of how knackered I am.  So is it too much, really, to ask him to do the same?  I’m not asking him to make play dough or do painting, just to stay awake!

Although i’m terrified of going places alone, I do like to go out as a family.  So yes, it does piss me off where when hubz has ‘first nap’, he decides to takes them out to the park… in the afternoon.  Obviously i’m invited yet here lies the problem.  I’m knackered.  Bone tired and in pain.  Yet if I don’t sacrifice the time in bed I’ve spent all morning waiting for, i’m obviously a crap mum who doesn’t want to go out and spend time with the family.  Just once it would be nice if he went on his nap time instead of mine.  So it was him missing out on something that he technically shouldn’t even need!

Predictably the painting still isn’t done.  This is good because I still get to co-sleep with The Preschooler yet bad because everyone’s crap is everywhere and I’m sick of it.  I get all the stuff in, ready to be done yet it’s still not finished. It’s been weeks.  It should have taken days.  I’m lazy, I’m untidy BUT I can’t bare things left half done.   It’s not all his fault, we were all ill for ages then he got ill again.  Some weird virus that caused his muscles to seize up and lots of pain.  A mystery virus as there was no other symptoms of being ‘ill’ and thus nothing that could be done to help it other than waiting.  BUT he’s not be solidly ill since the first room was done.  He gets pissed off when I forget to put the pots or laundry away failing to realise the little things may annoy the shit out of him yet the bigger things annoy the shit out of me!

I’m giving up on budgetting.  Every time I try, it just gets drawn out and whittled away.  I’m always in the wrong for getting pissed off when he draws it out because we apparently ‘need stuff’ (well stop fucking eating everything when we’re all in bed then you fuckmuppet!)  I’m half tempted to draw everything out on the day money goes in, just so I can stash some away, it’s never much.  We pretty much live day to day with pennies to spare but it could make a difference.  If there’s none left in the bank he can’t draw it out!

Am I the only one who realises we have a baby on the way and no freaking money?  Am I the only one that would like to be able to afford just one day out for the kids? Just once?




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