I love music yet have no interest in new music. It’s like I’m happily stuck in a music time warp. It’s familiar, the albums all remind me of people, places and times. I feel alive and for a moment remember who I am/was when I hear them. I don’t have a need nor desire to add anything new to it. I used to obsessive over owning back catalogues and yet stopped over a decade ago.
The last night out I had was in 2009 and that was the first night out since 2003. It wasn’t long after my miscarriage and I went to see, for the second time in my life, one of my all time favourite bands; Nine Inch Nails.
The last time I’d seen them was when I was still current with them but this was about three albums later. Three albums that I hadn’t even heard let alone bought. There’s nothing worse then going to a gig and not knowing any of the songs so I hastily bought the albums. I just couldn’t make myself listen to them. It’s like being wildly in love with someone and having someone else trying to make you kiss them. You just don’t want to!
Thankfully they played all the good stuff. The old stuff. It was exactly what I needed. I felt alive as I screamed all the pain, grief and sadness out.
I still haven’t listened to the later albums. I bought several years worth of newer Pearl Jam albums to add to all the well played old ones yet a year or two later and the newer ones are still in their wrappers.
Typical this year, three of my all time favourites are all playing Manchester. NIN, Tori Amos and Pearl Jam. All of whom I saw in my youth. I need to see them. To rejuvenate. To feel alive. Because it’s been so long, too long, since I was me. Since I’ve truly breathed.
Am I going to any? No. It’s just not financially doable. At all. Even for birthdays we only budget around a tenner. Besides, I have nobody to go with. Hubz and I, although on the same musical spectrum we’re at opposite ends of it. I have no friends.
I’m telling myself it will all be new stuff they play. Stuff I don’t know.
Yet I still wish I was going.
In music I lose myself. In music I feel alive. Music translates the words that weave in my blood.