I am not responsible for your behaviour.
I am not responsible for your behaviour.
I am not responsible for your behaviour.
I am not responsible for your behaviour.

And neither are our children.

I seem to deposit parts of myself in places with an inability to reconcile them together. It’s as if in my mind, if I ransack one place on a destructive trip, I still have parts of myself elsewhere.  Or even if I wish to delete parts of myself.

I don’t even think they’re actually parts of me.  There is no me.  They’e the remnants, stains and ideas of who I could have been, who I have been or even who I want to be.

I can’t place my all in one place purely because there is no all.

Just a vast  gaping nothing.

Eczema

Right from the very beginning even Tiny was incredibly new I asked a GP if her eczema could have been caused by something in my milk from my diet.  I was told no.  Each time we returned, with her eczema constantly flaring, we would see a different G.P and I asked them all that question.  They all said no.  I even asked two eczema nurses and a paediatric dermatologist,  they too said no.

They were all quick to prescribe various creams,  ointments and steroids whilst blaming it on the fact there is a lot of asthma,  hayfever and some eczema in the family. 

None of them could explain why she’d even flared up multiple times mid steroid courses.

None of them could explain why it wasn’t in the usual atopic eczema places such as behind the knees etc.

I did try going dairy free for about three weeks, there wasn’t a huge improvement so the Dr looked amused at my actions and told me it obviously wasn’t that so to stop.

Tiny spent most days and nights with her hands covered to stop her clawing her own face off.  If you held her she’d rub her face constantly against you.

I’ve now been dairy free for about 9 weeks.  Her eczema improved drastically yet still never went and still  occasionally flared.  She had scrambled egg twice,  both times she broke out in hives.  I made macaroons,  she broke out in hives then vomited. Everywhere.

image

So then we were both dairy free and egg free.

Her eczema again improved yet still some flares, nothing as severe as they had been in the past, but still flares.

There had to be something else. Something I was missing.

I’ll really admit I’m finding this restricted diet miserable.  Many dairy substitutes are absolutely disgusting.  

Last week at tea time she was upset.   I took her into the lounge and she clawed at her face until it was bleeding.  She became profoundly upset and unsettled and then vomited.  All over me.  All over herself. All over the floor and the sofa too. Immediately after she smiled and started playing though her body broke out in hives.

I racked my brain.   It had to be coconut.  She’d shared a tiny bit of my coconut dairy free icecream and nibbled some of my raw energy bars I’d made which contained coconut.  I’d tastefully copious amounts of both.  Is been drinking Koko chocolate coconut milk too.

image

You can't really see the hives too well here in these pictures but they were VERY noticeable.

The next day with her antihistamine at the ready (this has proven to work for her) I tentatively put a small bit of coconut oil on her inner arm and within minutes hives appeared. No wonder coconut oil made her eczema worse when she was even younger.  The antihistamine stopped the reaction in it’s tracks before she even felt an itch.  As it was contact and not consumed there was no vomit.

The next day I did the same with milk.   Exactly the same story.

Needless to say we’re now dairy free, Egg free and coconut free.  

I’m hoping this will be the last allergen.  The key to eradicating her eczema.

In the past 4 out of the last 9 weeks she’s barely wheezed at all,  needed no topical steroids nor oral antibiotics, poos every few days rather than multiple nasty ones a day and hasn’t needed her hands covered at all.  

I’m glad I trusted my gut.   All those Dr’s looked at me like I was ridiculous or neurotic for even thinking it food allergens in my milk.   They were wrong.

They were wrong.